


So These Two Guys Walk into a Bar

by Fabrisse, Gileswench



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, F/M, Sort Of Bestiality, electric play, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:38:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3857602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabrisse/pseuds/Fabrisse, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gileswench/pseuds/Gileswench
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley and Xander discussing their relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So These Two Guys Walk into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: Danger Will Robinson. Nothing explicit, but loads of sexual deviancy ahead. References to: electric play, bestiality, underwear. Trust me, it's very twisted but it's not meant to be taken seriously.
> 
> Gileswench: This is what happened when Gileswench and Fabrisse finally met up in the flesh and were allowed to spend unsupervised time together. Let this be a warning to you all.
> 
> Fabrisse: Another of our old ones that I'm just gettting posted here.

"I know she doesn't love me."

Xander looked at Riley.

"We're about done here," he said. "Come on, let's go get a drink."

It only took a few minutes to get there. Two bottles of beer were waiting for them almost before they sat down.

"Just for the record, I think you're wrong," Xander said.

Riley sighed.

"I wish I were."

Xander took his first swig.

"Women," he muttered.

"Yeah, women."

"Has Buffy ever asked you to change your shirt before you go out on a date?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, but with the demon blood..."

"Ix-nay on the emon-day," Xander hissed urgently. "You don't know where you are, do you?"

"A bar?"

"Look around. How many humans do you see?"

Riley scanned the room.

"Well," he began, "there's you...and me...what about the guy behind the bar?"

"Yeah, that's Willy. Willy the snitch. We go back."

"How about that cute girl in the corner?"

"Not since graduation."

"You're sure?"

"Anya was. That makes me sure."

"She's um...kind of in control of you guys, isn't she?"

"Hey! It just looks like that from the outside because I let her decide what we do and where we go and who we...yeah. She wears the metaphor."

"The metaphor?"

"Yeah, you know. The pants. Like Buffy does."

Riley took a long swig and looked at Xander.

"I've always been the dominant one. Then I meet Buffy. Next thing I know, I'm taking Cosmo quizzes."

"Did she give you the one about How Perky Is Your Sex Life?" Xander asked.

"She tried to make me wear a bright red banana hammock after that one," Riley said. He took another heartfelt drink.

Xander drank too.

"Mine had Homer Simpson on it," he said sorrowfully. " And when I complained..."

"She brought up the bra thing, didn't she?"

"Worse. Tampons."

They toasted in mute sympathy.

"And Anya keeps trying to be inventive. I mean, sex is great. It's all new and shiny to me. I don't need inventive."

"Yeah, sex _is_ great. But did you have to start watching chick flicks? If I have to watch one more damned ice skating movie, I may ask her to beat me up just to knock me out."

They both drank.

"It's not like she ever watches basketball movies with me," Riley lamented. "The one time we tried to watch Hoop Dreams, she got bored a third of the way through. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing, but  
I wanted to see the end of the film."

He held up a ten dollar bill and tried to flag down the bartender. Xander grabbed his hand.

"Put your money away," he said. "It's no good here. Willy likes to stay safe, so the drinks are free for us. Just make sure he gives you an unopened bottle."

"Really? In that case, maybe we should order some appetizers."

Xander shook his head.

"What part of 'this is a demon bar' don't you get? Stick to the peanuts. They're recognizable."

Riley put down the handful of pretzels he'd just taken from a bowl on the counter.

"Could we have some peanuts?" he asked Willy.

A moment later, a bowl of peanuts and two more beers came to a stop in front of them. Both men took a handful of nuts.

"It's not the chick flicks," Xander said. "But does Buffy...y'know...ever want you to try...new...."

"Positions? Not really. I established very early on that Buffy on top is scary." Riley took another swig. "On the upside, I'm now the push-up champion of my unit and you could use my abs for a washboard."

"New positions I can handle," Xander said. "New positions are good. I didn't even mind the jumper cables and the nine-volt battery..."

Willy cleared away both bottles and the sodden peanuts, replacing them with ones Riley hadn't spit in.

"...but there are certain places on a man's body that should be claw-free, no matter how cute the kitten is. And I didn't really enjoy sleeping in a bed that smelled like tuna."

"So when you say inventive..."

"I mean inventive. Ex-demons have a lot of staying power, and so do teenage boys."

"Speaking of which," Riley said, "how are you getting served in here? Couldn't he get in trouble with the law?"

"Ah, but Willy is a lot more frightened of Buffy than he is of any cop. He knows we hang."

Xander took another swig.

"So," he said, "big bad Riley is scared of little bitty Buffy, huh?"

"When little bitty Buffy has just staked a half dozen vamps by sitting on their chests? Yeah. It's a little intimidating to have her on top."

"I can see that," Xander said. "As a matter of fact, most of my fantasy life until I hooked up with Cordelia involved Buffy intimidating me." 

He smiled into the middle distance. Riley smacked him on the back of the head.

"Hey! That's my intimidating girlfriend you're fantasizing over. Your intimidating girlfriend, on the other hand just scares me." Riley shuddered. "Tuna fish? Do I want to know?"

"No, man, you don't."


End file.
